|I'm not, and I do.|
As I'm sure you can imagine, I've spent the past several months of my life re-evaluating my priorities.
It's complicated-- I'll get to that in another post.
Let's just say, it's been a very philosophical year +.
So I've got this friend...that is currently inspiring more philosophy. But...you can only get so "deep" with some people, you know?
I was about to post something to Facebook on that friend's behalf-- sort of a "thinking of you...in solidarity" sentiment, right?
And I realized that Facebook doesn't know me from before I was half of Matt & Maggie.
A lot of people in my life today don't know me from before I was half of Matt & Maggie.
A lot of people think of me as half of Matt & Maggie.
And to a lot of people, half of something is all I'm ever going to be. Half of something broken that can't be repaired.
Those people will always see me as damaged and a lot of them will always question my motives in everything I say or do: If post something to Facebook (or insert the public media of your choice) like this:
They will interpret it as a statement of resolve regarding my own circumstances.
Not that it's not applicable. It's just that, in this case, it's a sentiment being expressed on someone else's behalf and I don't want people to default to applying everything toward the assumption that I am in a constant state of restating my resolve to go on with life.
So I chose my post carefully and came over this way to talk about my thoughts on the subject.
I really, really, really liked who I was before I started dating the BF. I was never a half of anything. I was the whole Maggie. Complete. All on my own. And I was really damn good at it.
Go ahead, ask around. There are still a few people in my life who remember me from back then.
Aforementioned friend once observed that "we make compromises for the ones we love." (I'm pretty sure he was trying to be reassuring or something at the time.) He's right, we do. Some for the better and some for the worse but either way, in the long run, it means that when you start un-compromising when the relationship ends-- however it ends-- and taking yourself back the way you liked yourself best...people will see you making changes.
All those people who didn't "know that about you" because they only knew you as half of a couple will try to apply motives to those perceived changes. They don't know that you used to dress like that, or always wanted to pierce that, or had put your plans to travel to there on hold for X number of years because the Significant Other had no desire to go.
They see you "going off the deep end." You're getting a little crazy there! Whoa! She's having a mid-life crisis! She's not coping with his death well...
You get the idea.
I'm here to assure everyone that I'm not doing crazy shit. At least, nothing that seems crazy to me, and nothing that seems out of character for me to the people who knew me when I was whole.
To us-- I'm just Maggie again. Living my life much the same way I did before I was half of something else.
As for my friend? Take my word on this:
Don't make me tell you about that time I missed a bus.